To get de-porned into reality.
I work in a field of peculiar sexuality.
A kind of Wonka’s where everything is possible. Where people both meet their boundaries and find their expansion. Here people run into themselves at levels deep below the surface. Either they didn’t ask enough of they want or they are too scared to state what they don’t want. And often it is a run around, a reinforcing of old pain because that is what feels familiar to their system.
For a lot of men, not only in this field but in general, porn has been the fuel to ourfantasies, it showed us everything we hardly dared to imagine. And even more, the next video - taking it a step further - was just a click away, the old dopamine factory in the brain unable to resist it. Not only does the porn industry got us by the balls, they got us by the brain.
And this is dramatic and dangerous. Men become desensitized, numb out because real sex, with people, in whatever configuration, becomes boring, flat. Because it is never as juicy as in the porn, shot from various angles, edited, retouched, airbrushed. Sugarcoated. And what more, with reality not being able to meet the standard that is created in the mind, men will retract into their mind, losing contact with their surroundings, the beginnings of a porn addiction and of a path of loneliness, possibly leading into dangerous outskirts like the misogynist manosphere.
Desensitization leads to a schism between what one wants and the ability to ask for it. Because when we use porn to provide the imagery to satisfy a hunger, a craving we feel inside, it dissolves our abilities to be creative around these items. If you always go for
fastfood whenever you feel hungry, you will lose your cooking skills, and end up sick, depressed and addicted. And this is a self-reinforcing circle of unhappiness, and tissues, and the only way out is to start fantasizing again, to resensitize the brain, to come off the dopamine frenzy. And to allow for clumsiness, bloopers, if you will. Human sex is messy and clumsy, you often end up finding you have one arm too many, or too little.
Back to Wonka’s, back to the fantasy. I recently talked to a man who wanted to play more with dominance and submission and the fantasy was that he would be forced to perform oral sex on a woman. Now, that is an easy enough fantasy, and a great starting point. But how to de-porn this so that it becomes a felt experience or being overpowered, and of various forms of skin touching, with just one camera standpoint? And how to trust oneself, and one’s partner to be able to perform in such a way that no one gets hurt, physically or emotionally?
This is where consent comes in, and where you get to be specific/juicy. Because the more specific your request, the better the other person knows what is asked of them, the better they know if they are capable, and willing, to give that. The less mind reading is involved, the better. And dare to be clumsy, start somewhere, create a reference point. Let's take this wonderful little fantasy of being forced to perform oral sex. How does that look, how is that not just your usual sex but a bit more forceful? Be specific. Does she grab you by the hair and force your head down? For starters? If you agree on this, try to work out as many details as possible, daring to be openly vulnerable about what actually turns you on, there is no shame here, just raw honesty about what moves us in the depth of our
being.
And then... do it!
Play it out, see how it goes, be gentle and afterwards reflect on the experience, what worked and what didn’t? You now have created a point of reference to fall back to next time: ‘grab my hair a little firmer then you did last time’.This is the way back to feeling, to communicating, to getting what you need in order to be. fulfilled and nourished, sexually and sensually because honestly, this level of attention and detail can be brought into everything, it creates ceremony in every moment. Everything can be brought into sex, but it can be much more playful to bring sex into everything.
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